Decision Time

As best I can tell, I have as much information as I can tolerate.  5 days ago I was so darn sure of how things would play out and now I’m just plain emotionally exhausted.  This has really been the first emotional roadblock for me.  I never imagined I would have so many doctors giving me so many different opinions about so many different treatments.  The only aspect of this that all of the doctors seem to agree on is that there is no way to know if I will respond to any of them.  There is no way to know if they will be helpful or not, there is no way to know if they will make me excruciating sick or not.  So many doctors, so few clear cut answers. 

Have the surgeries…don’t have the surgeries.  Have treatment first, don’t have treatment first.  What if I pick a treatment that isn’t effective enough?  What if I pick a treatment that is too toxic for my system?  The one difference I have found in the opinions of the doctors is it seems that the doctors who went to medical school on the east coast all share one opinion, and the doctors who have gone to medical school on the west coast seem to share another.  Dr. H. has done extensive research and says one thing… Dr. K. has also done extensive research and has opposing findings.

I’ve probably changed my mind 47 times.  The possibility of having to leave Idaho for treatment is becoming a probability.  I spent yesterday on the river and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  Normally, I just enjoy the float and the scenery, yesterday I opted to enjoy every ounce of water!!! Each time I saw a little rapid I raced towards it.  Surfing after the little diversion in the I.K. seemed like a blast.  No one from the BRV had tried it before, so what the heck, right?  What a blast… I couldn’t quit grinning.   I flipped on my second try, but what a kick!!!  During the down time, I was able to do a lot of thinking and I’m somewhat sure of what my plan will be. 

I’ve got a few phone calls to make on Monday to get some final questions answered.  The answers to the questions may change my mind again, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.


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